Some of the best memories with you

1. when I was little and my stepdad promised me he’d take me to Linnanmäki, and then he suddenly said he didn’t have motivation to, and I was really upset, and my brother took me there instead and we played games and he pretended I had won prizes and spent all his money on me though he didn’t have a lot.

2. On New Year’s, he saved my day. He nagged all his friends to go to the club I was in, so we could spend time. Made sure we had fun, made sure I had enough to drink, bought me and my friend mcdonald’s, stayed by my side.

3. When Paul and Sander was here, and my brother helped me prepare, and also wanted to meet him because he must accept a boy before I can hang out with him. And as always, he was so proud showing me off, telling I was the best girl in the world and that I’d be the best wife in the universe.

4. When he took me to the cinema. We watched Hancock and ate mcdonald’s and talked, and also all other times we watched movies together. And for being there on my school graduations and everything when I had no one else there. No parents, no relatives. My brother, though. I didn’t need anyone else as long as I had my brother.

5. The boatride to Sweden. He bought me and Alex a pack of ciders and partied with us. He hung with us all the time and ditched every girl because he was now hanging out with his little sister. Got my back, other boys weren’t allowed to talk to me. He kept my secrets safe. Was always there for me.

6. When he called, because he wanted me to be the first one to hold his new-born baby-boy.

7. When he took me to Serena, because I’d never been there before and no one else would take me. My brother did, though. He took me everywhere.

8. Christmas. He bought me a present, and I loved it. And when I turned nineteen, he was in Italy, but when he came back he gave me 20€ and said to my mom later ‘I have to buy a real present for Laura when I have more money’.

9. When he gave baby as a present to me, so I wouldn’t feel so lonely when mother left.


10. For last week. The last day I had with him. I wish I had spent more time with him. He was so proud, showing me off to his friends, saying ‘this is my little sister’, and also warning anyone and everyone from touching me, or even looking at me too much. He even showed me off to the Bouncer 'This is my little sister!!’ As if he’d care. Then he invited me to after-party and morning party and I just wish I’d spent more time with him. He threw a gofball to each other outside of Kamppi. He paid for everything. I miss him so much. This hurts so much. This will hurt forever.

Light of our lives

Evening, big bro!

I spent yesterday at mom's. I know how you always wished we'd be a family, that we'd all be able to forgive and be together. You just wanted us all to be together. And you never got your wish to come true.

Now they want to do something about it.

But I don't know how we'll ever be able to call us a 'family' when you're not here. You're the thing that kept us all together – the only one who cared to fight for it. You loved family – you always with family first. How right you were. Blood is thicker than water and all that. God, I miss you so much I don't know what to do.

If you saw me now, dressed up in your clothes that are far too big for me, you'd probably laugh and call me silly. Say I look like a mini-kanksta maybe. Perhaps tell me to put my own clothes on. Mom said I can't walk around with your pants – they're five times bigger than me. But I want to. I want to carry pieces of you everywhere I go.

Your clothes smell like you. I've put a shirt into a box, and I'll put in another one later. I'm so scared that your smell will disappear from your clothes, that's why I keep them in a box, where nothing can harm them, so I can take them out and smell them. So I never have to wash them.

Does that sound nasty? I don't care. It's what I want.

I've never been much of a family-person. You know how I've been, both Nathalie and I. We're a bit reckless, careless, keep our ground to ourselves. We have a hard time expressing and giving (sometimes receiving) love – something you never had a problem with. I keep thinking that if it had been anyone else except you, everything would have been okay. You would have known all the right things to say, and how to make everyone feel better.

But something we all had in common, in the middle of our reckless- and careless-ness, was you. The binding link. We all loved you so much. You used to take me out everywhere, and call me just to see how I am. In many ways, and many occassions, you've been both a mother and a father to me. I know you grew up without your father, and maybe you didn't want me to feel that vulnerable.

Most of all I wonder if you were happy. It's something I keep replaying in my head all the time. Was he happy? Did he have a happy life?

You were always smiling, always there for everyone, always helping and supporting. Loyal to the end. Joking, bringing the mood up. Just being you. The Ale everyone loves (because everyone does). You'd never let any of your problems show, or for a second be anything else other than your happy self.

But were you happy, really?

I wish there had been more I could have done for you.

I wish we could have finally re-united and been a family, as you always wished. I wish I'd listened to you, when you said family is above all. At many points you were the only one from my family I talked to. And you always kept telling me ...

But you never got your wish. I'm so sorry for that.

I wish I would have bought you gifts. I feel so guilty for not doing it. I am so sorry that I didn't hug you more. I'd do anything to feel your arms around me. I wish I would have bought you clothes, taken you out to movies, have a nice lunch or dinner. You always fixed those things. Gifts, love and celebrations. They were all on you. You who took me out eating for my birthday, you who bought me gifts, you who took me out and made my nights by being the best big brother in the whole universe.

I wish I would have told you that I love you.

I don't know if I did. I have said it, but lately?

Aunt Claudia is here as our emotional support. It's nice. She makes it feel a little less horrible.

Yesterday I was so hysterical, aunt Claudia asked if I wanted to take some calming medication. I just shook my head. A tiny part was because I am strictly against any kind of medication. I believe us people to be meant to be as we are born into the world, and that we should stick with the reality and who we truly are and how we truly feel. And this pain is the realest thing I have now. I don't want to numb you out. I want to feel you in every single bone in me and I hope you never fade from them.

I love you so much. To the moon, past to the end of the galaxy until the infinite end of space. I've lost the person that I've loved the most in my whole entire life. I was so proud that you were my brother. I'm still so proud. You were mine. And I love you. I miss you so terribly. There's nothing I wouldn't do, to have you back. Part of me wishes it had been me instead of you. You were such a good person, and you were so full of love, and you were so selfless and generous and thoughtful, and always knew what to say and how to make people feel better. Strong, loyal and supportive.

I hope I'll learn those things from you and learn how to be a better person. You always talked about me as a saint and an angel. But honestly, you didn't know how cold and hard I'd become in the end. But I will try to be better, for you. The sides of me only you saw, that you were so proud of.

I wish that wherever you are, you're in peace and happy. And that you know that we love you so terribly much, and that there's not a single second in the day, that I don't think about you.

Love you til' death.

/Your little sister, Laura.

I love you.

A day without you.

Good morning Big Bro!

Yesterday I was so exhausted from all the crying and screaming and I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to sleep and never wake up, terrified that if I was awake I'd actually have to think of reality. It didn't matter – the pain was so sharp anyway. I miss you so much, and no words are enough to explain how I'm feeling right now.

I miss your smile. You were always smiling, always happy – I looked so much up to you. You always lit up the whole room – you were always the life of the party. And you had a heart of gold. In many, and all, ways, you're my hero. I feel sorry for all the people who didn't get to know such an amazing person like you, but also deep pain for the ones who now know how it feels to lose you.

You're the most beautiful person I know. I'm a little too pained and devastated to really be able to find real words, or to write something better. Right now, the only thing I know is how much I love you, and how terribly I miss you, and how I just want to see my brother again, hug you and hear your voice and see that smile of yours.

I miss you so, so much. I love you dearly. I wish I could tell you that.

I don't want anything.

I just want my brother back.

Un-take him.

Anyone but him.

Not my brother.

You can't have my brother.

I love him so much.

You're gone, but you're in my memory always.

Hey Big Bro!

You're in heaven now. It's unbelieavable. It feels like a dream. I can't believe you're gone. Nothing can even begin to cover how much I miss you.

I dreamed about you this night, and in the morning you were gone. Alex woke me up and told me something terrible had happened. We went to our mom's place, and I was screaming to Alex to tell me what had happened. I was so sure it had something to do with you. It's so crazy. One day I am the proudest little sister to an amazing brother and suddenly I don't have a brother anymore.

As soon as I opened the door, everyone were staring at me, and Kari came and hugged me and Alex hugged mom, and everyone were crying.

''What's going on?'' I asked, pushing Kari away from me.

But I already kind of knew. Tears were already streaming down my cheeks.

''Your brother. He's dead.''

That's what mom said. I could never believe I'd be hearing those words like that one day. I covered my mouth, shook my head. Spent the next four hours screaming outside. I wanted to say 'not my brother'. 'Anyone but my brother'. But every time I opened my mouth, the only thing coming out of my mouth was screams.

I want my big brother back. He's the closest family I have. And the best brother in the universe. I was so proud to be your lil sis. I'm still so proud. And this hurts so much. I never thought it was possible for something to hurt so much. Or for a person to cry this much.

You'd tell me to chin up. To laugh a little. To not be silly.

I love you so much. This is so unbelieavable for me.

I wish I'd seen you more. Hugged you more when I had the chance.

You were always so nice to me. Such an amazing brother. You always took me out when I was little and our parents didn't have time. You played with me. Growing up you always protected me. When I was old enough you took me out partying with you and your friends. And you were overly-protective over me. And you proudly told everyone 'this is my sister'. That's what you said in the dream I had tonight about you as well. You smiled proudly, saying 'this is my sister' and showing me off. I love you. I love you so much.

Who will protect me now?

Who will love me?

Who will be my big brother?

Someone stole my brother. Someone killed him. I can't believe it. You're not here. You're gone. How will I ever get over losing my big brother?

You always told me that when I get a boyfriend, I have to take him to your first, so you can accept him.

You'd fight for me through anything.

I'll never get to introduce no boyfriends to you. My children will never get to know the best onkle in the universe. And what's even worse -

Your children will grow up without a father.

Leo was so upset, he slammed every wall in the house. He's lost his father. His superhero. Katja is devastated.

''My loooooove'', she cried. ''My loveeeeeee is gone.''

Her first love. You two had an on-and-off-relationship since you were fifteen. One kid together.

I hope they grow up to look just like you.

And when I get a son, I'll name him Alejandro, after you.

I wonder if they have computers up in heaven. I hope they do. I hope you can sit there and game and surf and read when you're not busy watching over all of the ones who are left here, missing and loving you.

I want you to know, that you're the best brother in the universe. You were the light of my life, the one I turned to when things felt bad. Not that I ever talked to you about it, but you were one of those people who just made me feel better just by looking at you and your smile. You had that effect on everyone.

I can't believe I'll never get to hug you again. I'll never be able to feel your arms wrapping around me, reminding me I've got a Big Bro to watch my back.

I still childishly hope that it will just be a dream. I can't have lost you. I can't be brother-less. Maybe you're alive, and all of this was just a misunderstanding. How can you die? You're iron-man – superman.

You're my brother Alejandro.

Forever and always.

I love you so much and I miss you so terribly.

I don't want to write the three words yet ... I'm not ready.