I spent yesterday at mom's. I know how you always wished we'd be a family, that we'd all be able to forgive and be together. You just wanted us all to be together. And you never got your wish to come true.
Now they want to do something about it.
But I don't know how we'll ever be able to call us a 'family' when you're not here. You're the thing that kept us all together – the only one who cared to fight for it. You loved family – you always with family first. How right you were. Blood is thicker than water and all that. God, I miss you so much I don't know what to do.
If you saw me now, dressed up in your clothes that are far too big for me, you'd probably laugh and call me silly. Say I look like a mini-kanksta maybe. Perhaps tell me to put my own clothes on. Mom said I can't walk around with your pants – they're five times bigger than me. But I want to. I want to carry pieces of you everywhere I go.
Your clothes smell like you. I've put a shirt into a box, and I'll put in another one later. I'm so scared that your smell will disappear from your clothes, that's why I keep them in a box, where nothing can harm them, so I can take them out and smell them. So I never have to wash them.
Does that sound nasty? I don't care. It's what I want.
I've never been much of a family-person. You know how I've been, both Nathalie and I. We're a bit reckless, careless, keep our ground to ourselves. We have a hard time expressing and giving (sometimes receiving) love – something you never had a problem with. I keep thinking that if it had been anyone else except you, everything would have been okay. You would have known all the right things to say, and how to make everyone feel better.
But something we all had in common, in the middle of our reckless- and careless-ness, was you. The binding link. We all loved you so much. You used to take me out everywhere, and call me just to see how I am. In many ways, and many occassions, you've been both a mother and a father to me. I know you grew up without your father, and maybe you didn't want me to feel that vulnerable.
Most of all I wonder if you were happy. It's something I keep replaying in my head all the time. Was he happy? Did he have a happy life?
You were always smiling, always there for everyone, always helping and supporting. Loyal to the end. Joking, bringing the mood up. Just being you. The Ale everyone loves (because everyone does). You'd never let any of your problems show, or for a second be anything else other than your happy self.
But were you happy, really?
I wish there had been more I could have done for you.
I wish we could have finally re-united and been a family, as you always wished. I wish I'd listened to you, when you said family is above all. At many points you were the only one from my family I talked to. And you always kept telling me ...
But you never got your wish. I'm so sorry for that.
I wish I would have bought you gifts. I feel so guilty for not doing it. I am so sorry that I didn't hug you more. I'd do anything to feel your arms around me. I wish I would have bought you clothes, taken you out to movies, have a nice lunch or dinner. You always fixed those things. Gifts, love and celebrations. They were all on you. You who took me out eating for my birthday, you who bought me gifts, you who took me out and made my nights by being the best big brother in the whole universe.
I wish I would have told you that I love you.
I don't know if I did. I have said it, but lately?
Aunt Claudia is here as our emotional support. It's nice. She makes it feel a little less horrible.
Yesterday I was so hysterical, aunt Claudia asked if I wanted to take some calming medication. I just shook my head. A tiny part was because I am strictly against any kind of medication. I believe us people to be meant to be as we are born into the world, and that we should stick with the reality and who we truly are and how we truly feel. And this pain is the realest thing I have now. I don't want to numb you out. I want to feel you in every single bone in me and I hope you never fade from them.
I love you so much. To the moon, past to the end of the galaxy until the infinite end of space. I've lost the person that I've loved the most in my whole entire life. I was so proud that you were my brother. I'm still so proud. You were mine. And I love you. I miss you so terribly. There's nothing I wouldn't do, to have you back. Part of me wishes it had been me instead of you. You were such a good person, and you were so full of love, and you were so selfless and generous and thoughtful, and always knew what to say and how to make people feel better. Strong, loyal and supportive.
I hope I'll learn those things from you and learn how to be a better person. You always talked about me as a saint and an angel. But honestly, you didn't know how cold and hard I'd become in the end. But I will try to be better, for you. The sides of me only you saw, that you were so proud of.
I wish that wherever you are, you're in peace and happy. And that you know that we love you so terribly much, and that there's not a single second in the day, that I don't think about you.
Love you til' death.
/Your little sister, Laura.
I love you.
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